The Nuclear Mess

Coca Cola Cold War
BY N. Mark Castro
Lebaran 2006
Jakarta, Indonesia




Back in 1984, when the Russians were evil and I was in junior high in Manila, Philippines, the school authorities regularly conducted emergency drills wherein we students practiced protecting ourselves from nuclear attack by crouching under our desks. We'd hunker down there until Ms. Suarez gave us the word that the nuclear war was over, then we'd crawl back out and resume reading about the fascinating adventures of Dick and Jane. (''Ha!'' said Dick. ''Ha ha!'' said Jane. ''Ha ha ha!'' said Dick. ''Ha ha ha ha'' ... etc.)





Why would Russia attack, of all useless countries in the geographical map, the Philippines?



Simple.




Ferdinand Marcos was a big time puppy of the American empire. And so in order to support his camaraderie for the Americans and to show that we, too, were concerned, we had to go through the nuclear emergency drill.





You might think that I am rather exaggerating when I use the word "empire" the describe the United States of America, but trust me, read the history of mankind and you will know that it's not far from what the word truly implies.





At any rate, I understand this nuclear-emergency drill was conducted in many schools in the '80s. Apparently the desks used in classrooms back then were made of an exceptionally missile-resistant variety of wood.





During the Cold War years, when the has-been actor Ronald Reagan ruled the other half of the known world, I often wondered why it never occurred to American defense planners to protect the entire American nation from nuclear attack by simply covering it, from sea to shining sea, with a huge Strategic Classroom Desk.





I now realize that the defense planners did not have time to be fooling around with ridiculous schemes like that. They were too busy spraying deodorant on cows.




Yes, you got that right. According to an Associated Press story that you can google, the Army recently admitted that in 1963 and 1964, Army scientists went to stockyards in six American cities and ''sneaked up on cows and sprayed them with deodorant.''





I am not making this up. (Truth is oftentimes funnier than fiction).





The idea was to find out whether enemy agents could spray American cows with hoof-and-mouth disease germs, thereby spoiling America's beef supply, not to mention wreaking havoc in the ketchup industry.





Needless to say, the cow-spraying operation, like just about everything else the federal government did during the Cold War, was a secret. I'm guessing that it had a classified name, perhaps "Operation Cow Pow."






After spraying deodorant on cows, the Army scientists probably went to a bar to celebrate their successful mission by having a few drinks and -- in the tradition of suave covert operatives such as James Bond -- picking up women.



ARMY SCIENTIST (suavely): Hi. I'm a covert operative. Don't tell anybody.

WOMAN: What's that on your shoes?





Yes, it was a risky job. But somebody had to do it. Because there was a Cold War on, and for all we knew, somewhere over in Russia, communist scientists, bent on world domination, were spraying deodorant on THEIR cows.





Of course, those days are gone. The once-mighty Soviet Union has degenerated into a bunch of obscure nations with names like ''Kazoobistan,'' populated by would-be capitalists trying to borrow money from the Americans so they can buy frozen-yogurt franchises.






Gone, too, is the very real threat that at any moment, a nuclear war could wipe out human civilization.





I frankly miss it.





I mean, during the Cold War, you could always say to yourself, "Hey, any minute now I could be blown to atoms, so why should I (pick one):

a. ... clean the toilet?''

b. ... give up marijuana?''

c. ... not eat these last two Big Macs?''







Yes, you could have guilt-free fun during the Cold War, as opposed to now, when the prospect of reaching old age has turned us into a bunch of health-obsessed wussies, squinting at product labels in the supermarket, trying to locate the low-fat bean dip. Also, with the Soviet Menace gone, the American government hardly ever does fun stuff anymore. I'm sure I speak for millions of Americans when I say that they'd rather see their tax money used for covertly spraying deodorant on cows than for printing up yet another 652-pound health-care plan.







Fortunately, there is one government outfit that still has some of that old Cold War paranoid spunk. I refer to the Central Intelligence Agency, which recently admitted that it had been hiding four large buildings in suburban Virginia from the rest of the federal government. You probably read about this. Under questioning from a Senate committee, the CIA admitted it was building a $310-million office complex that nobody, including the President, knew anything about. And if you're wondering how a project that large could be kept secret, then you clearly have never seen the federal budget, which is larger than your garage. The CIA could easily have slipped $310 million in there under a heading such as "Snacks."






This story gave me a warm feeling. It reminded me of the good old days, when life was exciting and communists were trying to destroy America's moral fiber, which almost always spilled over the Philippines, via such tactics as 'rock `n' roll'' music and the FBI was keeping an eye on everybody in the United States except actual criminals, and Richard M. Nixon was finding enemy microfilm in pumpkins and nobody had ever heard of ''dietary fiber.''





And now, with the advent of North Korea's nuclear armament, and Iran's impending inclusion to such an idiotic group, there seems to be a very clear and present indication that mankind is headed for a Nuclear Cold War yet again. Imagine this, once these two so-called rogue nations beef up their nuclear armada, the United States would then be forced to arm Japan, Taiwan, and South Korea the necessary nuclear warheads. Pakistan already has its own silo, while India can turn its neighbor into a Chicken Tika. Imagine if you will, an exciting 2007 that's about to heat up!





It wouldn't be long then when Saudi Arabia and the rest of the UAE would join forces to build their own warheads ... and pretty soon the extremists wouldn't be blowing themselves up with your regular, run-of-the-mill, homemade bombs; pretty soon they'd be tying themselves up in some nuclear-tipped warheads ... and by then it would all be a great big playground with dangerous toys.





Don't you just love the world's leaders?




Oh, the idiocy of humanity ... I love it!





Just for old times' sake, I'm going to crouch under a desk.

Comments

[AJ MaO'Brn]

This is pretty interesting. Im a care specialist to sound better, I work with an 83 year old Jewish Lady, her litany every morning over our cup of hot stemming milk with coffee is all about what is in the NEW YORK TIMES. Stuffs you had mentioned was part of my everyday lecture, as I may say. I have to listen and comment as well so she feels Im interested. What happen to the world if there is no PEACE.