OLD AGE

GRUMPY OLD MAN
By Mark Castro

You know you're old when a kid comes up to you and hands you an Ecstasy pill but instead of popping it in you go: "GIVE ME A VIAGRA AND WE MIGHT BE IN BUSINESS, KID."



I don't know about Jakarta and its amazing array of young kids who look like women or young kids who make women look like young kids. It's just amazingly breathtaking watching them walk with that air of ... of ... oh, there, the arrogance of youth.


Frankly, they deserve to.



If I were to look at politicians strutting about their righteous idiocy then, by God, I'd rather watch these young kids walk around as if they own the earth. Come to think of it, they do and they should.


I run into one recently, I'll have you know, at that grossly overpriced F Bar (Fashion Bar). There I was all alone looking like the pathetic old fart that I am while sipping my Wild Turkey right before I call it in when, out of nowhere (now I know when to use that cliche), this ... this ... oversized child with a painfully beautiful face came up from behind and said: "Ummmmm ... excuse me, what's that?"



I wasn't actually sure if she was addressing me. Normally, a kid comes up to me and he or she would go: "EXCUSE ME MR SO AND SO, DO YOU MIND SIR IF WE TAKE THIS SEAT SINCE YOU'RE SITTING ALL ALONE LIKE A PATHETIC OLD FART?"



Ah, but here we are today being asked by this ... this ... not-a-girl-but-not-yet-a-woman creature asking what I was holding and sipping carefully ...



"Bourbon..." I replied coolly.



"Boron?"



End of conversation, I stood up, shuffled some cash from my wallet, laid it on the bar, and left.



"You're sooo rude!"




[You're so dumb!] I had wanted to say but stopped short myself by biting my lips. I gave her a look and went, "I wasn't really sure if you were talking to me," I lied.



"Yes you were," she replied, "you just stood up because I gave a wrong answer. How was I supposed to know, that's why I asked! You're such a ... MAN!"



This kid had the balls of three men I know. "O...k," I said.



"There! Right there! There's that condescending tone right there again! YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!"



Did I hear her right? Did she just say condescending? She knew that word? Daaammnn! Oh what the heck, she may not know bourbon but with that face and that vocabulary, she could enter the very gates of hell and come out unscathed. "Right, ok, let's do this again, I'm sorr...."




She cut me off. "Forget it! You had your chance and you blew it," she turned her back and walked away.


Wait ... what the fuck just happened? Did this kid just hit on me? How old is she? And how could I have blown up something I never even knew? So there I was chasing a kid with an attitude, "Wait up!" I hollered, then five other young kids circled around the girl I was chasing ... it was such a sight, to suddenly find myself surrounded by a bunch of towering kids. If it were any other circumstances, I would've probably felt what Gulliver went through being surrounded by Lilliputans ... but these kids weren't short, they were insanely huge. I wonder what their parents are feeding them.

She turned to me and went: "Yeeesss ..." with that coquetish look.

I smirked, "Now who's being condescending now?"

She smiled. "So let's do this over again and head for the bar. You go get another one of those boron, Bor-whatever-you-were-drinking and maybe we can start a good conversation."

I took one look at her, at her posse, and left for the bar. As I was about to call for barkeep, she crept right behind me and said: "Bourbon, no ice and side water for him," she looked at me, "I learn quickly," and smiled sheepishly, looking every bit the young girl that she seemed in her eyes, except for that drop-dead gorgeous face and amazing body. Wait, what'm I thinking here? She couldn't have been over 20 for crying out loud! Is this how pedophilia begins?

"How old are you anyway," I asked.

"20," she said. There went the ballgame. "You're probably the grumpiest man I'd ever met," she went on, "not that I talk to people around here; but it's just that you seemed so focus in what you were thinking that it was like you weren't here at all. I was thinking if I asked you a bit maybe you could tell me where your mind was off to."

"Are you always this nosy?" I asked.

She laughed ... out loud, "Are you always this grumpy?"

We both laughed. Mary Mother of God, was I actually carrying a conversation with a 20-yr old kid? What has become of me? My propensity for an intellectual conversation? Where are my peer groups? Oh, probably busy breast-feeding their babies or trying to keep their husbands from carrying on a conversation with 20-yr old kids. If they were lucky, that is.

"So where were you?" she insisted.

"Right here with you," I retorted.

"Does that line work with girls?" she ridiculed, she giggled and laughed.

Some kid. "Ok, ok, ok ... I was just thinking up stuff. No big deal."

"Lame!" she pointed her finger at me, "I used to see my Dad get into those seriously empty thoughts but never got around to asking him wherever he went whenever he did that."

Great! I'm now a daddy figure! Damnit! "Oh so now I'm like your daddy. Where is your daddy anyway? Maybe he and I can have a bourbon or something."

"NO WAY MISTER!" she exclaimed, "My daddy's not as grumpy as you. He never was!"

"Was?"

"He's dead," and she looked right straight into my eyes when she said it.

"I'm ... I'm really ..."

She cut me off ... yet again, "Oh forget it. He died four years ago. And no, I didn't talk to you because you reminded me of him."

"Well I can't believe I'm having this chat with you anyway. Don't kids your age normally just hang out in kumpul-kumpul and dance and chat and drink and ..."

She cut me off, again. "Call me a kid again and I swear I'll punch you."

My God! I can't believe this very attitude is coming out from that very face! I think parts of my anatomy are getting attracted to this ... this ... kid ... creature.

"I wanted to talk to you. I was curuous, curios, what's the word?" she asked helplessly. At that point I didn't know whether I should help her or rape her. She just evoked that kind of sentiment from any hot blooded male, I suppose.

"Nosy?"

"Funny. Very funny, what's your name again?" she asked.

"Mark," I said.

"Very funny, Marky." Damn! What is't about any woman who meets me and as soon as they hear that my name's Mark they just as easily convert it to Marky!

"Yeah, well that doesn't work for me ... what's your name again?"

"Again? I never gave it to you ..."

"Oh cut it!"

She giggled. "Erlin ... my name's Erlin."

"Well Erlin, it was nice chatting with you."

"You're not leaving are you?" she asked.

Leave an insanely pretty girl? What're you, drunk? "Of course not," I said.

Her mobile phone rang. She spoke in Bahasa Indonesia, then she sighed and looked at me. "I have to go," she said, "my Mom's picking me up in EX. Anyway, what's your mobile number?"

A girl asking for my number. Damnit! This is some Friday the 13th. "+628561270070," I said, "what's yours?"

She smiled again, with those same sheepish eyes, "Oh you're not getting it Mister ... because knowing how grumpy you are I'm sure as hell you won't be calling me so I'll make it a point to call you ... then you can call me.  But I can bluetooth you my picture so you'll know who's calling you. But then you'll just have to wait for my call now, won't you?"

A hot kid with a perfectly acceptable grammar. Oh somebody please wake me up! She sent me her picture via bluetooth, she stood up, shook my hands, waved goodbye at her friends, stormed out of F Bar, ripped open the curtain and shouted, "Yo Marky!" and blew me a kiss.

If it weren't Friday the 13th, I'd say that the kid had the hots for me. Then again, if you're looking at this picture ... how could you not be?

My phone's vibrating and a strange number appeared on my mobile ... I picked it up and it went ...



"Hey Markyyyyyyy ... guess who?"



What a naughty little minx ... and I have a new best friend.



So how'd your Friday the 13th go?

Comments

[Mia]

oohhh.. i missed your posts fafa markiee.
havent lost the magic touch, i see..
you dirty old..bold.. man.. you..
love you fafie

[AJ MaO'Brn]

do not get old, working as a caregiver showed me the negativities of it